Not So Clear

I’ve been in a bit of a strange place lately. Not physically, like I’ve been stuck in Antarctica like in Where’d You Go, Bernadette, or anything (spoiler alert), but in my head. I’m going to be in high school in just about two months. That’s pretty damn terrifying. I’m in this bemusing time of uncertainty and, well, the opposite of clarity. I don’t know what you would call it, but it certainly isn’t pretty. It’s uncomfortable. I dislike the blurriness of the situation. As you can most likely assume, I do not like the uncertainty. Life, currently, as life is always, is so damn uncertain. I am going into this completely new place, with completely new people, with completely new expectations and thoughts and gestures and necessities and desires and messes and traumas and experiences. I have not the slightest idea what to truly and actually expect from it. Obviously I can attempt to guess my way into high school, to think that my friends will still be my same friends and that those people I’ve been avoiding will still be avoidable and everyone will be the same, just a little tiny bit different, and that life will continue as it always has- dull, barely energetic, and familiar. Comfortable.

Of course I can imagine this, and I can try as hard as I can to make it my truth. But that’s just it- it will be my truth. Not anyone else’s. My sameness will not excite anyone. 

And I’m wrong. So I won’t continue on like it. I want to change this year. I must change. Middle school were the worst three years of my life, so far. And yes, my problems, my battles, were far lesser than the worst battles to come, but it doesn’t matter because I’ll grow into my weaknesses just as I’ll grow with my strengths.

So high school is upon us. A terrifying thing. An unpredictably tumultuous year, perhaps. I just am so uncertain about it all. I like to know what to expect so that I can be prepared for everything. But I’ve never been in high school before, so I have not any intentions or desires yet.

I want to survive it, and as gracefully as I possibly can. It’s rough. But come on, so is life, and this is the beginning. I start in a month. It’s way too late for preparation. It’s time to face it. 

I think I can try to handle it. That’s the best that I’ve got. Hopefully, that will be enough for a while.


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