Skool Sucks

I honestly am the queen of overstudying, yet somehow I am also the queen of doubting myself.

It doesn’t make much sense, does it? I mean, I did just completely contradict myself and probably make no sense, but it is somehow true. Some people’s absolute joy comes from perhaps winning a basketball game, or placing first at a dance competition. I thrive on grades. For me, a “good grade” is at least a 95%. I have high expectations for myself, probably way too high, but desiring that shiny, sparkly 100% written in red pen makes all those nights of obsessive studying and excessive effort worth it. I have always wondered why those 100%s, which will most likely be useless and forgotten by next year, mean so much to me. I understand it a little bit more now, albeit not much. Procrastination actually leads to perfectionism, or something like that.

I am incredibly self-deprecating, and it’s a confession I avoid making, but I must admit to it. I am not humble, I have gone way beyond that word. I don’t allow myself to take pride in earning a 97%, because maybe my friend who I want to tell earned an 100%. I never brag about grades because I feel that if I allow myself to feel pride about grades and such, then I will be punished and get a terrible grade next time. I am always waiting, always expecting the worst to happen next. I am the perfect example of the lyrics of a classic Alphaville song, Forever Young- Hoping for the best but expecting the worst (Also covered by One Direction). I always cross my fingers that I’ll get another perfect grade, but I never let myself believe that it will actually happen.

This is a damaging way of thinking, trust me, I know. I’ve attempted to stop terrorizing myself like this, but I simply am unable to do that. I hate to say this, but I think that a lot of it has to do with my family. If I get a 98.5% and tell my mother, she’ll go, “That’s good, but why didn’t you get an 100%?” She means it in a teasing way, she doesn’t actually have such high expectations, but it still stings. Maybe I’m oversensitive, but it’s just me.

The point is this: Don’t do what I do. Let yourself be proud of your work, of your achievements, no matter how small. We all know too much pride is definitely an annoying thing, we’ve learned it since we were in kindergarten, since we first heard the infamous “tortoise and the hare” story. But what we’re never really taught is that too little pride is even worse. Without a sense of pride for our work, we would turn into shy, weak little people who let people walk all over them. We’d beat ourselves up until we turn into nothing. So I’m just saying, be proud of yourself once and a while. Despite common belief, you actually deserve it.

(Here’s a playlist for you to be proud and shout it out to!)


Oh, yeah- it’s a beautiful day to dream.



The future

Today I’m going to write about a very difficult, terrifying, nearing topic that is unfortunately something we all have to worry about at some point in our lives. Unless, of course, you’re a person who is just going to spend their lives watching Netflix and eating soup out of cans (no judgment to these people). I am currently at that tricky age where I’m not quite a high schooler yet I have outgrown middle school. My past has defined me so far- of what I have made of myself in my 14 years in life. Right now, my present defines who I am. But now it is slowly changing. In just a few months, my future will define me. The future. Something I have much control over yet I also have no control at all. I could plan my whole life to become something and then… boom. I could change my mind in an instant or, an unthinkable event could occur.

Let me just say it: The future is inevitable.

We do not fear the future, yet we fear it more than anything else. Yes, I can be terrified that something cataclysmic will happen or I’ll get into a car accident or I will lose my phone or whatever. The future is ominous, true, but it is also the ultimate escape. The future contradicts itself, because we can be equally as concerned about awful things happening to us as much as we fantasize about wonderful things happening to us. The problem is this:

A large majority of people, specifically in my community, don’t have many plans for their future. Let me rephrase that. They have their dreams of the results of their futures, but they have no plan to actually get there. A lot of people believe that their dreams will just be handed to them. Like, one day they’ll wake up and BAM they’ll get into Yale or be magically discovered and become a famous actress. This is a calming, common way of thinking that many enjoy and actually believe  will happen. And I admit, for some, it actually sort of does. This way of living is cheery and bright and shiny for us as human beings, to believe that we will one day not have to work for anything or actually even try anymore.

It’s a magical way of thinking. It’s just not the truth.

We spend so much time as imaginative human beings fantasizing about the future, believing that it will be spectacular and perfect. We spend so much time just thinking and daydreaming about it, that when the future actually arrives, we have spent so much time imagining it that we never even did it. This is what scares me. This disturbingly near reality is what we don’t like to think about- the getting there. No one wants to have to face all the realities of growing up, the problems, the conflicts, the boring things, the hard things. But unfortunately we must.

We must deal with the planning, the hard work, because once you find your passion, you have to live for it. If you really want something, if you know it’s your dream, then you have to do everything possible to get there. It’s terrifying, it’s hard, but the satisfaction that comes along after is surely worth the work. Achieving your dream is a priceless thing. For me, at least, it is the ultimate gift. I would rather work my ass off to feel that feeling, to do what I love, instead of living a mediocre life in a career I have no interest in, even if it gives me more money. I know what I want my life to be, and I fantasize about it all the time, but I also know I have to work for it. So, yeah, I’ll have to work a whole lot harder, read a lot more, spend my summers at medical programs instead of going to the beach and partying, but I would rather do this. Because for me, it is so insanely worth it.