I honestly am the queen of overstudying, yet somehow I am also the queen of doubting myself.
It doesn’t make much sense, does it? I mean, I did just completely contradict myself and probably make no sense, but it is somehow true. Some people’s absolute joy comes from perhaps winning a basketball game, or placing first at a dance competition. I thrive on grades. For me, a “good grade” is at least a 95%. I have high expectations for myself, probably way too high, but desiring that shiny, sparkly 100% written in red pen makes all those nights of obsessive studying and excessive effort worth it. I have always wondered why those 100%s, which will most likely be useless and forgotten by next year, mean so much to me. I understand it a little bit more now, albeit not much. Procrastination actually leads to perfectionism, or something like that.
I am incredibly self-deprecating, and it’s a confession I avoid making, but I must admit to it. I am not humble, I have gone way beyond that word. I don’t allow myself to take pride in earning a 97%, because maybe my friend who I want to tell earned an 100%. I never brag about grades because I feel that if I allow myself to feel pride about grades and such, then I will be punished and get a terrible grade next time. I am always waiting, always expecting the worst to happen next. I am the perfect example of the lyrics of a classic Alphaville song, Forever Young- Hoping for the best but expecting the worst (Also covered by One Direction). I always cross my fingers that I’ll get another perfect grade, but I never let myself believe that it will actually happen.
This is a damaging way of thinking, trust me, I know. I’ve attempted to stop terrorizing myself like this, but I simply am unable to do that. I hate to say this, but I think that a lot of it has to do with my family. If I get a 98.5% and tell my mother, she’ll go, “That’s good, but why didn’t you get an 100%?” She means it in a teasing way, she doesn’t actually have such high expectations, but it still stings. Maybe I’m oversensitive, but it’s just me.
The point is this: Don’t do what I do. Let yourself be proud of your work, of your achievements, no matter how small. We all know too much pride is definitely an annoying thing, we’ve learned it since we were in kindergarten, since we first heard the infamous “tortoise and the hare” story. But what we’re never really taught is that too little pride is even worse. Without a sense of pride for our work, we would turn into shy, weak little people who let people walk all over them. We’d beat ourselves up until we turn into nothing. So I’m just saying, be proud of yourself once and a while. Despite common belief, you actually deserve it.
(Here’s a playlist for you to be proud and shout it out to!) http://8tracks.com/seaphase
Oh, yeah- it’s a beautiful day to dream.