coffeehouse cynics

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we are coffeehouse cynics/too righteous, too rigid to believe

Something short and strange inspired by this song

We fill ourselves up with money, with hatred, with materialistic dreams of grandeur and disposable people. We fill ourselves up with things others have lost, and things which cannot be found. We hide ourselves away inside of this idea of happiness, this sacred, golden beauty, this force-fed aspiration for greatness. It is not greatness, this monstrous dream. It is not greatness. It is a disgusting, grotesque poison. We want to fill ourselves up with the poison of self-hatred, of unforgiving stupidity.

I miss you, did you know that? I miss the ravenous, needy way you drank your coffee, black, dark roast, as if it was going to fix the emptiness that had caved into itself, inside of you. I miss your childish delight, your wide, crooked grin, the one that has haunted my dreams for the past few months. I miss your goodness, because good god, you had a ridiculous amount of it. You just forgot how to find it. I do not place blame on you, for that shortsighted insecurity, for that unprecedented ability you had to forget every good thing about you.

There you go, there it is, that truth you always wanted from me. I am so sorry I never had the decency, the generosity, to willingly give it to you. I wish, more than anything, that I had not been as so obliviously selfish as I was. What a greedy, egregious fool I was, to ever be anything but less than devoted to making you feel okay again. You were everything, the world, the universe, the whole damned galaxy somehow meshed into this dissonant, but inconceivably beautiful, mess of a human being. You tired angel. I love you. I hope you do see that now. I love you and I wish I could have given into that.

I wish I could have said it.

We were fools. We were idiotic, restless children, bones nearly trembling with emptiness, with this exhausted eagerness to see, to live, to prosper and to embrace each other, but we never did. We went too far, we lost our vision in this blinding, blinding darkness. I am so sorry. We were screwed from the beginning, though. Don’t you see that? What other possibility was there, other than this hellish, crumbling palace we built for ourselves, than to come crashing to the ground?

I found your tee shirt, the other day, resting plaintively at the bottom of my closet. Good god, love, you should’ve seen how I trembled, how I collapsed onto my carpet and sobbed, endlessly, bitterly, into that fucking tee shirt. That tee shirt is you, really. Coffee stained, faded cream, and this strange scent of cinnamon and cigarette smoke. You perfect, damn perfect, human.

God. How did we lose this, my love? How did we lose ourselves in this neverending darkness? How did we not see the end of it? There must be an opening at the end of the tunnel. There has to be.

You must have seen it, did you not? Have you finally found that incomprehensible surge of light? Have you found yourself, finally, in death? Have you found what you were searching for?

God knows I haven’t, but goodness, I hope you have.

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Skool Sucks

I honestly am the queen of overstudying, yet somehow I am also the queen of doubting myself.

It doesn’t make much sense, does it? I mean, I did just completely contradict myself and probably make no sense, but it is somehow true. Some people’s absolute joy comes from perhaps winning a basketball game, or placing first at a dance competition. I thrive on grades. For me, a “good grade” is at least a 95%. I have high expectations for myself, probably way too high, but desiring that shiny, sparkly 100% written in red pen makes all those nights of obsessive studying and excessive effort worth it. I have always wondered why those 100%s, which will most likely be useless and forgotten by next year, mean so much to me. I understand it a little bit more now, albeit not much. Procrastination actually leads to perfectionism, or something like that.

I am incredibly self-deprecating, and it’s a confession I avoid making, but I must admit to it. I am not humble, I have gone way beyond that word. I don’t allow myself to take pride in earning a 97%, because maybe my friend who I want to tell earned an 100%. I never brag about grades because I feel that if I allow myself to feel pride about grades and such, then I will be punished and get a terrible grade next time. I am always waiting, always expecting the worst to happen next. I am the perfect example of the lyrics of a classic Alphaville song, Forever Young- Hoping for the best but expecting the worst (Also covered by One Direction). I always cross my fingers that I’ll get another perfect grade, but I never let myself believe that it will actually happen.

This is a damaging way of thinking, trust me, I know. I’ve attempted to stop terrorizing myself like this, but I simply am unable to do that. I hate to say this, but I think that a lot of it has to do with my family. If I get a 98.5% and tell my mother, she’ll go, “That’s good, but why didn’t you get an 100%?” She means it in a teasing way, she doesn’t actually have such high expectations, but it still stings. Maybe I’m oversensitive, but it’s just me.

The point is this: Don’t do what I do. Let yourself be proud of your work, of your achievements, no matter how small. We all know too much pride is definitely an annoying thing, we’ve learned it since we were in kindergarten, since we first heard the infamous “tortoise and the hare” story. But what we’re never really taught is that too little pride is even worse. Without a sense of pride for our work, we would turn into shy, weak little people who let people walk all over them. We’d beat ourselves up until we turn into nothing. So I’m just saying, be proud of yourself once and a while. Despite common belief, you actually deserve it.

(Here’s a playlist for you to be proud and shout it out to!) http://8tracks.com/seaphase

 

Oh, yeah- it’s a beautiful day to dream.

X,

Sofia

Worrying… way too much

I’ve never really took time over a school week and thought about anything, well, other than school. My mind is usually filled with thoughts like this: homework essays due math ugh stupid school oh god did i forget to study study STUDY!! i need an 100% not a 96!! 

Obviously, I always tend to worry over, well, whatever I can worry about. Over years of constant worries about even the seemingly stupidest, small things, I’ve come to realize that worrying so excessively really isn’t benefiting me much. It’s making my life much more stressful than it needs to be. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t ever worry about things, of course we have to as human beings. Without it, we wouldn’t turn that assignment in or pay our bills. But there’s a good amount of worry, useful, normal worrying, and then there’s my kind of worry: crazy, sleepless, restless, nail biting worry that literally feels like it’s going to suffocate me. 

Even in middle school, which honestly doesn’t really count for anything, this persistent demon of stress is probably the hardest thing most teenagers have to go through. This seems like a boring, weird topic to write about, I know, but it’s so important to understand that everyone, every single person, whether they’d like to admit or not, worries. Everybody has stress, whether it’s over something as small as a quiz or college applications, or a surgeon completing a difficult surgery, or anything that causes people stress. Stress is defined by what you, and only you, worry about. Don’t let other people make you worry about unnecessary things, don’t let them drag you into their endless issues. Put yourself first. I know that seems really hard for some people, I know it is for me. I always seem to put others’ needs before mine, including their feelings. I’m still like this, and I’m desperately trying to stop letting everyone, even my best friends, walk all over me. 

Take a step back, for a moment. Realize that solving others’ problems, ones that are small and pointless, before yours isn’t going to help you at all or them. Sometimes pressure and the easy way out appeal to us more than anything. For example, if a friend keeps asking for the answers to homework or something repeatedly, I know it may seem easier to just give in. But after you do that, you’ll have to feel guilty for something you could’ve easily said no to. So just remember this. Try to put what is best for you in mind, not for someone else.

I hope this post helps a little, if anyone needs to talk or anything I’m always here. I never tell anyone’s secrets to anybody. I promise!

Aha…

It’s a beautiful day to dream.

Truly,

Sofia