Evergreen…

Evergreen.

Perhaps you wonder why I chose such a simple word to encapsulate the enormous mess which is myself.

The word resonates with me.

This is me. Whatever it is that I am. These are my truths, my thoughts, my paradoxes, my messy, incoherent thoughts, somewhat organized into something. We are what we leave with the world. And be that angst, or frustration, or even shitty writing, at least I will know, when I am older (and preferably wiser), that throughout my adolescence, I was nothing but unequivocally honest with myself. I want to remember youth not with disdain, not with saccharine, sugarcoated nostalgia, but instead, honesty. With perhaps a deeper understanding of myself and what makes me this way.

There is a certain insight we possess solely in adolescence and not any other period of our brief lives. And perhaps that insight is overly ambitious or rather naive, but it is also a transient period of invincibility. Of course we are far from invincible. Brokenness can be irreversible. We are young, though, and this offers us a slight advantage in itself. Though I’d never be accused of being much of an optimist, I still like to think that we have a certain perspective now which has not been shattered by the jading of time.

I want to remember this. Whatever this may be. And, much like an evergreen tree, these words are a part of me- the leaves will change, indeed, they certainly will, and likely my personal morality and conflicting desires will change as well- but they were once a part of me, and that is irreparable. Who you ultimately become does not immediately erase who you once were. Nothing in this world can erase who you were. And that truth is both a blessing and a curse.
So, I am, evergreen. As bleak as that may be; as twisted as my branches may grow . Whatever that may be. I am it.

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